the heart

when you can't create love,
you create friendship.

what's happening?

i repeat, what's happening?

is there something wrong? did i do anything wrong?

here is the situation. it's snowing nicely outside.

and out of sudden, nina came into my room. we just talked like how we used to.lol.
then mia came. and she was looking for my phone. so i acted like i dont know where it is.
mia said that she called me.
*which she actually did but i refused to answer the phone call because i have issues*
i asked her why did she call me.
she said that she just wanted to tell me that they're going out.
i dont know where. why? perhaps because of the snow. i dont know.
and then i was like SHOCKED.
so, they went out without asking me along.
it's not that i want to go out too but why wouldnt they ask me out as well?
and that's why i raised this case.

what's happening?did i do anything wrong?
was it because i'm not talking?
was it because i dont want to have dinner together?
was it because i just want to focus on my study because we have a BIG test coming?

what's wrong with people?
they teach you not to talk when its not necessary but then they isolated you because you are not talking
how disappointed am i is a question you shouldnt ask

moody

so so soooo not in a good mood tonight.
sorry world. i owe you.

if you want to cry.cry. because you can.

okeh nak nangis sekarang TT___TT

shutting down

i want to 'shut down' almost everything

facebook(s), twitter, google+, instagram, skype, etc *yeah tumblr is not in the list*

actually i tried. i tried so many times. yet i failed.

and that was so frustrating

how on earth will i ever succeed in being... 'dark'?

but why?

you see, things in my head are loud enough.

those 'alam maya' technology somehow hurts me. a lot.

it might be a lill bit of somewhat unknown reason *ya ya ya thats what i thought

i just thought that maybe...read me, MAYBE...

by shutting down all those things, i might be able to focus on things that i should more

things like being a better person each day,

things like being a better daughter and a good friend,

be a good medical student,

be a good sister,

be a responsible person, independent, 

a person who can cook well,

a person who knows directions and routes and won't get lost anymore T__T,

and more and more

because it just came to my mind that i should do something better with my life

since i won't be living forever

i  mean here in dunya

i want to have the feeling of obsession to Jannah

because i want to struggle myself harder for it

i want to be in Jannah

i want my love ones to be with me as well

and i want to live forever with my love ones there forever

insyaALLAH insyaALLAH insyaALLAH

seems to me that i'm actually trying sooooo hard to get rid of my haram feeling as well

maybe that's the primer reason why i really wanted to shut down everything

i'm doing this for myself. i know this is good. so i will try again. i will try until i can't.

until then, i'll figure out later.

ayah

ayah misses me.

i know that.

i can sense it from the way he spoke to me in the phone. just now.

i can sense it eventhough we are thousand miles apart.

and yes, 

i miss him too.as well.

ayah please wait for me,

this year, insyaAllah...

i will try my bestest and be home as early as i could

for you.for the family.

keep me in your du'a ayah :'[

come

تعال عش في قلبي ولا تدفع الايجار

Come, live in my heart, and pay no rent.